Rally Pt. 4

I'm not going to go into the details of what happened in the next 2 hours.

What I'm going to say to wrap everything up though, is that I ended up going.

I bought the stupid ring.

I stood there, staring at the lyrics sheet they gave me as the music and voices shouted words of Praise.

I was in awe when the message was delivered.

I stood to take the pledge, the vow of chastity and purity.

I prayed with the speaker, a Mr Alan Yu.

And I got the heck out of the ballroom before anybody could see me.

And you know what?

I've already fallen.











Stupid $7 ring. Doesn't do JACK$*&@!

Rally Pt. 3

Sorry for the brief haitus, as I had a few things to sort out.

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As most people usually do on rainy Thursdays after classes around lunch-time, I went to the SUB to grab a bite. I'd been at school for so long, but I had yet to actually try out a lot of the lunch places. Yet, I stayed with the Burger Bar. Their food was greasy and nothing special, really. But it offered me a sense of comfort I couldn't find elsewhere.

Wandering around for a place to eat, I caught a glimpse of one of the CCF members who were passing out the little Sex Cards. I immediately looked away, but I guess she caught my out of the corner of her eye.

"Hi! I remember you! Are you going to our rally today?"

"Uh.. yeah...," I replied as I shifted my burger and books.

"We had a change in plans. Since the weather is so bad, we're going to be moving into the Ballroom. We're gonna have our pray together in about 20 minutes, and you're welcome to join!"

"Umm.... Thanks... I'll have to see... I have... umm... midterms...... coming up..."

"Oh no! But I'm sure that the 1.5 hours will be time well spent! Hope to see you later!"

And with that, she handed me a card, and proceeded to approach another unsuspecting victim. I looked at the card, familiar in all its black and pink glory.

Hastily, I shoved the card into my pocket, and stumbled on, trying to find another place to hide from my shame.

Rally Pt. 2

So... where did I leave off?

Oh right... Seeing the little pink card.

Anyhoo... so I went to class as usual, and after class, as I was walking over to SUB to grab some lunch (Burger Bar had Mushroom Burgers that day. Mushroom Burgers!!!), I noticed something hilarious. There were a bunch of people, without umbrellas, soaking wet, trying to set up a tent of some sort.

Hehe... idiots...

But then, I realised that I could recognise some of the people.

They were the Sex Guys.

They were really gonna do it.

They were gonna hold their little event out in the pouring rain under two tiny little tents... HAHAHAHA.

But part of me also felt ashamed. Despite the weather, the wind, the cold, they were all laughing, looking like they were having a great time.

How can something as miserable as the task they're involved in bring about such laughter and joy?

I turned away, and decided to enter SUB via the entrance by the Bike Kitchen. I couldn't let them see me.

I couldn't stand knowing that they could actually be having fun and enjoying everything.

I couldn't stand that they were going to carry through with this.

I couldn't stand feeling just a little proud that there are some Christians out there who are crazy enough to do this.

I couldn't stand feeling the shame.

Rally Pt. 1

They told me that it would just be Praise and Worship.

At least that's the only part I heard... But let's start at the beginning, shall we?

I woke up that Thursday (November 19th), thinking that it would be like any other day. I'd go to my classes, maybe think about working on the paper due in a few more days, go visit the Sex People, then head home.

As I stood at the Bus Stop waiting for the 99 outside of LuluLemon, I thought about the past few weeks. My pledge to get laid and become a man, then my wussing out, which I justified.

When I got to the SUB, I noticed something strange. Rather than the usual "no Smoking" sign, I saw a big pink card labeled over the word "Smoking," replacing it with Sex.

The Sex Guys... err... CCF, I should probably say, were on the move.

I took a closer look at the card.

1119...

Hmmm... wasn't that today?

Wait... didn't they mention something about not being in the usual room they're in? Something about being by the knoll? But the rain... hmm... the rain... this would be fun for them, eh?

As I walked through SUB, I saw more of the pink cards littered everywhere. Stuck to Vending Machines, Bulliten Boards... It must've been embarassing for those sex guys to put them up. What if they got caught doing that?

I wandered off to class, late as usual, not giving this too much thought.

Just another day, another day.

Right?

New

Things have happened.

Lots.

But time for sleep.

Gotta stay away from temptation.

... it pours

Should I go tomorrow?
On the one hand, I want to chase what I experienced last week.
On the other, it may turn out to be a humiliating event...

When it rains...

Revelations

So... my endeavour to get laid, I think, has come to a standstill.

No, it's not that I don't want to. It's simply that there seems to be something... something on my mind.

I went to the Sex People (they're called UBCCDF... or UBCCCF... something like that) meeting again. This time, they were singing.

Poorly.

Nobody knew the lyrics to songs, the powerpoint wasn't changed quickly enough for people to catch the lyrics, nobody knew when to start or stop singing the song.

Musically (as I'm a musician), it was a disaster.

And yet, nobody was ashamed to sing. Despite there being multiple keys present in the song, not a single face showed shame. All I could see were a bunch of crazy, happy faces.

And I felt a little tingly too.

And for a moment, for just a second, I forgot about my own shame and guilt. I forgot about my goal of getting laid. I forgot about the Brunette.

And it was magnificent.

-----------------------

They're going to have Singing again next week, but this time, outside SUB. I pray that passer-byers won't have fruits and vegetables to throw.

But I'm wondering... just wondering... how many people will feel "tingly" too?

Wimp

God,

Why am I such a wimp?

Why do I know that I'm doing something wrong, and yet continue because it gives me a rush at that moment?

Those SexGod people didn't help at all. But they want me to go to their gathering again.

At least I feel somewhat more accepted there...

Wuss

It's been a few days since I last updated my blog, but I've been thinking ever since Thursday.

So... on Thursday, I took a chance to visit the "Sex Guys." It turns out that they're a group of Chinese students who gather every week... Who the heck has the time to do that? Shouldn't they be studying, reading... just.. doing student stuff in general?

Anyways, I came in a bit late that day, and so walked right into the middle of an activity on defining marriage.

Really.

In the end, I don't think I ever heard them mention much about sex.

But then again, I wasn't really paying attention.

Instead, for some reason, up to today, at this moment, I feel weird about my pledge to get laid. I can't really put anything into words at this point, but there's something.... something on my mind.

A whole bunch of you out there are probably thinking, "Hehe, you're wussing out of becoming a man!"

...

...

...

...

Dust

I did devotion for the first time in a year. I don't know why, but as I sat at my desk, daydreaming, I felt compelled to open the little blue book that had been sitting on my desk amongst my other textbooks.

I got it as a gift from a friend at my baptism about 2 years ago, and since that day, it's been faithfully keeping its place, holding up my other textbooks, and getting dusty.

Today's thing was about how the Israelites didn't travel if their "God in a Cloud" didn't move. Pretty funny, if you think about it.

I don't know why I grabbed the book, but I guess deep down, I was hoping for SOMETHING to help me out... something to tell me that I'm okay.

That I'm acceptable.

So much for the BS about God talking to people through the Bible.

Hey God, thanks for telling me about a story about travelling when I'm struggling with Sex. Great help THAT was.

Weasel

I think one of the biggest problems I have with making promises is that I tend to weasel out of them somehow. They were never really any big promises... just small bits.

What does that have to do with my usual postings?

I think I don't want to go through with my earlier "promise" to my readers (or... reader). Yes, I think that brunette is hot, and YES, I would like to do it with her.

But...

I'm really wondering what my chances are. And where do I go from there? After I have sex with her, what happens? Do we start going out, etc? Do I start a relationship with her? And really, is sex just sex? Is it just so that we can feel awesome (as I've been told...)?

Who can I turn to for help about my sexual frustrations? Who out there can help me?
Maybe I can try and see what those "SexGod" people have to say. Maybe they'll have something that can help me out. Worst case scenario, I find a group of weird Super-Christians, who tell me that Jesus loves me, and that I should stop doing it. Not that I don't already know.




A little off topic, but I want to ask AsePanic, "What do you think it is to be a man then?" "What do you know about the pain?"

Still a Benchwarmer

So, I guess it's been a while, and I should probably update my dear readers (Reader? Really, I have no idea if I'm just sending this stuff out to cyberspace, and not really reaching an audience... Anyhoo, I digress).

Last time, I commented on me becoming a man.

Yes.

Well... I'm still not a man yet.

Still very much a male though.

But you know, rather than telling you all about my exploits with the Brunette, how we had a wonderful time, laughing, sharing, etc... I think I need to blog about something else. Something different.

I'm still struggling with Porn.

I thought that perhaps, with my new vision... new GOAL of getting laid, I would automatically stop feeling the need for porn. But that's not really happening.

In all actuality, I'm feeling more and more drawn to porn. To watch it, to fantasize.

Every now and again, I'll stare at other classmates in the lecture hall, wondering what they're day-dreaming about. Are they as perverted as me?

I really have no idea how to express what's inside of me right now. One part of me is dragging me along, wanting to feel good again and again in front of the computer screen late at night.

The other side of me is quietly begging me to stop doing this, to give it all up.

I pray to God (I AM a Christian, afterall), but how am I supposed to find help in something that I can't even feel? At least every time I jack it, I can feel something... and anything is better than nothing......

Wow... I gotta take up Baseball...

I just took a bit of time to de-stress myself from midterms and papers... too much for humans to handle.
Oh, how I long for the days before Profs could harass us through the internet with WebCT and Vista... too much for me to do. I just finished one thing, and another assignment gets posted up....

Anyhoo... so after my little de-stress activity, I decided to take a look at my blog again, and see what I've written so far.

Hmm... Not a lot.

Seems like I'm only making myself seem like a whiny pervert who can't go out and get some, so has to scream about it online. Seriously, if this blog weren't written by me, I'd tell the blogger to go and grow a set of balls.

But it's me.

So...

I've decided to try and do something about it.

I'm going to see if I can ask the Brunette out, and perhaps get a little action. 1st Base, 2nd Base, 3rd Base, Homerun... it's all good.

Time for me to become a MAN!

Life...

As I was listening to the prof drone on and on today about Asian Literature and its effect on modern day society, my eyes started to glaze over, and focused on the images reflected on my computer screen.

To left was the aisle for the lecture hall, and three seats over to my right, 2 rows back were a couple.

I don't think I've ever seen either of them in the lectures, but is it really that surprising that people will sneak into "empty" lecture halls to... well... do their thing, I suppose.

I wish I could be part of a relationship where a girl would just accept me.

But I don't think that'll ever happen. If I can't even begin to accept myself, how can I expect another human being to accept me?

I know it's kinda cliche, but am I really looking for intimacy and love during my late-night porno-sessions?

Wonders

I was just thinking as I lay in my bed, tossing and turning 'cause of the guilt.

"I wonder how many guys in my church also look at porn secretly at night?"

"I wonder how many of the masturbate to the porn?"

"I wonder how many of them feel guilty..."

"I wonder if anyone out there's thinking the same stuff as I am after the dirty deed is done?"

I wonder...

I wonder...

I wonder...

crash

You know what happens when you get pressure to hand in a paper on a topic you have no idea about, and it's due in 6 hours?

Yeah... it cracked me.

At 2, I just had to do it. I HAD to watch another movie to keep me going.

Seriously, I'm stressing out, and that was the only thing which helped.

God, I'm so incredibly disgusting.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for putting up a front of a good kid, but hiding this skeleton in my closet for so long...

No more for Michael!

Yeah! Go me!

Feeling so awesome right now!

Maybe I have a chance with the Brunette… her name’s Amy… or Amanda… or… A-something…

Very hot though.

BTW, I forgot to update about this, but at Clubs Day, the Sex Guys were back... Turns out they're actually some Christian Club... go figure

so far so good…

First night, and I made it through.

It was tough.

But I think being so busy in school now makes it easier to not have a chance?

I was awake until 5 though… tossing and turning, but my window was open, so it was cold in my room, and I didn’t want to get up.

I’m so tired right now.

changes

I’ve thought it over.

I’m making the same promise I made during my last “think over”

I’m giving up porn and masturbation.

Here’s what really told me. I guess if I were a better Christian, it would be “How God told me”

I was in Irving today, just relaxing on one of the couches on the ground floor, when I saw a hot Chinese chick start walking my way. Immediately, my mind started to replay a hot scene in a porn flick I had just downloaded and watched a few days ago, involving a similar situation in a “library.”

Nothing happened.

And I was very upset.

Then I thought, “Wow… this is just like the episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey got free porn… I gotta stop.”*

*In my defence, I watched the show because my family watches it.

And because Monica’s hot.

gasp

Today, the Brunette gave me a glance.

She looked like she was disgusted with me.

I am too.

Why, God? Why?

Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I stop writing, stop hiding, stop looking?

I woke up today at 12.

I don’t get today off. I should probably be in class right now, but last night took too much. I couldn’t get to sleep. I tried to stay away. Just for one night.

Just one night.

But as 4 rolled around, I was still tossing and turning. I felt like there was something missing, like a part of a ritual that I hadn’t completed yet.

So at 4:32 (I checked the clock by my bed next to my Bible. Both are dusty.), I got up, locked my door and turned on the computer.

This must be what drugs are like. Thank God I haven’t snorted or injected anything yet. But maybe those things are more acceptable and openly discussed nowadays.

3rd Day of Class

I went to class today, and saw a lot of different faces. Some familiar, many new.

There’s a girl in my Modern English Literature class who is very attractive. She’s got a beautiful smile, long brunette hair, and eyes which seem to light up my world.

I want to talk to her, and get to know her. But I’m sure she’ll hate me before I get a chance to talk. Who can love, let alone LIKE a person with my addiction?

Speaking of that, I stayed up till 3 in the morning on my computer. Not homework or research or online games. Those aren’t my vices. It was porn again. It seems like without it, I don’t feel complete… like there’s something nagging at me… Needless to say, I didn’t get much other stuff done.

Why am I sharing this with the world? I’ll bet the girl from class has already found my blog.

Aargh! But why do I keep typing? Why do I do this?

today

Just got home from a crazy orientation! Fun to finally be back on campus, seeing everything, seeing how much everyone's changed.

At the Carnival today, I saw a crazy guy dressed in pink. V-neck, pink shirt with the word "sex" on it. I didn't see what they were doing, but it seems like they were pretty intent on handing out little black cards.

Crazy bunch of sex-freaks.

I may look at porn, and jack-off every now and then, but who doesn't

Right?

I hope....

At least I haven't stooped to the level of peddling Sex at the Campus Carnival.

Sick freaks.

Confessions of a Teenage Boy

Hi. My name is Michael and I’m your typical guy.

I’m in University right now, working at a General Arts degree. I have no idea what I want to do, but I find University inspiring. I like playing sports, photography and hanging out with my friends. I have supportive parents and an annoying kid sister. I go to church on Sundays. Not every Sunday, but I make it to most. I play drums in a band, and I’m currently single.

I’m an everyman.

And yet, I struggle with something that is both dark and highly private.

In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m writing this blog, and why I’m letting the entire world know about this. But yet, I feel compelled to do this. Maybe it’s because I want help. Maybe I want the attention. Maybe it’s a million different little things all added up together. I don’t know.

But my name is Michael, and I’m addicted to porn.