so far so good…

First night, and I made it through.

It was tough.

But I think being so busy in school now makes it easier to not have a chance?

I was awake until 5 though… tossing and turning, but my window was open, so it was cold in my room, and I didn’t want to get up.

I’m so tired right now.

changes

I’ve thought it over.

I’m making the same promise I made during my last “think over”

I’m giving up porn and masturbation.

Here’s what really told me. I guess if I were a better Christian, it would be “How God told me”

I was in Irving today, just relaxing on one of the couches on the ground floor, when I saw a hot Chinese chick start walking my way. Immediately, my mind started to replay a hot scene in a porn flick I had just downloaded and watched a few days ago, involving a similar situation in a “library.”

Nothing happened.

And I was very upset.

Then I thought, “Wow… this is just like the episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey got free porn… I gotta stop.”*

*In my defence, I watched the show because my family watches it.

And because Monica’s hot.

gasp

Today, the Brunette gave me a glance.

She looked like she was disgusted with me.

I am too.

Why, God? Why?

Why can’t I stop? Why can’t I stop writing, stop hiding, stop looking?

I woke up today at 12.

I don’t get today off. I should probably be in class right now, but last night took too much. I couldn’t get to sleep. I tried to stay away. Just for one night.

Just one night.

But as 4 rolled around, I was still tossing and turning. I felt like there was something missing, like a part of a ritual that I hadn’t completed yet.

So at 4:32 (I checked the clock by my bed next to my Bible. Both are dusty.), I got up, locked my door and turned on the computer.

This must be what drugs are like. Thank God I haven’t snorted or injected anything yet. But maybe those things are more acceptable and openly discussed nowadays.

3rd Day of Class

I went to class today, and saw a lot of different faces. Some familiar, many new.

There’s a girl in my Modern English Literature class who is very attractive. She’s got a beautiful smile, long brunette hair, and eyes which seem to light up my world.

I want to talk to her, and get to know her. But I’m sure she’ll hate me before I get a chance to talk. Who can love, let alone LIKE a person with my addiction?

Speaking of that, I stayed up till 3 in the morning on my computer. Not homework or research or online games. Those aren’t my vices. It was porn again. It seems like without it, I don’t feel complete… like there’s something nagging at me… Needless to say, I didn’t get much other stuff done.

Why am I sharing this with the world? I’ll bet the girl from class has already found my blog.

Aargh! But why do I keep typing? Why do I do this?

today

Just got home from a crazy orientation! Fun to finally be back on campus, seeing everything, seeing how much everyone's changed.

At the Carnival today, I saw a crazy guy dressed in pink. V-neck, pink shirt with the word "sex" on it. I didn't see what they were doing, but it seems like they were pretty intent on handing out little black cards.

Crazy bunch of sex-freaks.

I may look at porn, and jack-off every now and then, but who doesn't

Right?

I hope....

At least I haven't stooped to the level of peddling Sex at the Campus Carnival.

Sick freaks.

Confessions of a Teenage Boy

Hi. My name is Michael and I’m your typical guy.

I’m in University right now, working at a General Arts degree. I have no idea what I want to do, but I find University inspiring. I like playing sports, photography and hanging out with my friends. I have supportive parents and an annoying kid sister. I go to church on Sundays. Not every Sunday, but I make it to most. I play drums in a band, and I’m currently single.

I’m an everyman.

And yet, I struggle with something that is both dark and highly private.

In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m writing this blog, and why I’m letting the entire world know about this. But yet, I feel compelled to do this. Maybe it’s because I want help. Maybe I want the attention. Maybe it’s a million different little things all added up together. I don’t know.

But my name is Michael, and I’m addicted to porn.