Still a Benchwarmer

So, I guess it's been a while, and I should probably update my dear readers (Reader? Really, I have no idea if I'm just sending this stuff out to cyberspace, and not really reaching an audience... Anyhoo, I digress).

Last time, I commented on me becoming a man.

Yes.

Well... I'm still not a man yet.

Still very much a male though.

But you know, rather than telling you all about my exploits with the Brunette, how we had a wonderful time, laughing, sharing, etc... I think I need to blog about something else. Something different.

I'm still struggling with Porn.

I thought that perhaps, with my new vision... new GOAL of getting laid, I would automatically stop feeling the need for porn. But that's not really happening.

In all actuality, I'm feeling more and more drawn to porn. To watch it, to fantasize.

Every now and again, I'll stare at other classmates in the lecture hall, wondering what they're day-dreaming about. Are they as perverted as me?

I really have no idea how to express what's inside of me right now. One part of me is dragging me along, wanting to feel good again and again in front of the computer screen late at night.

The other side of me is quietly begging me to stop doing this, to give it all up.

I pray to God (I AM a Christian, afterall), but how am I supposed to find help in something that I can't even feel? At least every time I jack it, I can feel something... and anything is better than nothing......

Life...

As I was listening to the prof drone on and on today about Asian Literature and its effect on modern day society, my eyes started to glaze over, and focused on the images reflected on my computer screen.

To left was the aisle for the lecture hall, and three seats over to my right, 2 rows back were a couple.

I don't think I've ever seen either of them in the lectures, but is it really that surprising that people will sneak into "empty" lecture halls to... well... do their thing, I suppose.

I wish I could be part of a relationship where a girl would just accept me.

But I don't think that'll ever happen. If I can't even begin to accept myself, how can I expect another human being to accept me?

I know it's kinda cliche, but am I really looking for intimacy and love during my late-night porno-sessions?

changes

I’ve thought it over.

I’m making the same promise I made during my last “think over”

I’m giving up porn and masturbation.

Here’s what really told me. I guess if I were a better Christian, it would be “How God told me”

I was in Irving today, just relaxing on one of the couches on the ground floor, when I saw a hot Chinese chick start walking my way. Immediately, my mind started to replay a hot scene in a porn flick I had just downloaded and watched a few days ago, involving a similar situation in a “library.”

Nothing happened.

And I was very upset.

Then I thought, “Wow… this is just like the episode of Friends where Chandler and Joey got free porn… I gotta stop.”*

*In my defence, I watched the show because my family watches it.

And because Monica’s hot.

Confessions of a Teenage Boy

Hi. My name is Michael and I’m your typical guy.

I’m in University right now, working at a General Arts degree. I have no idea what I want to do, but I find University inspiring. I like playing sports, photography and hanging out with my friends. I have supportive parents and an annoying kid sister. I go to church on Sundays. Not every Sunday, but I make it to most. I play drums in a band, and I’m currently single.

I’m an everyman.

And yet, I struggle with something that is both dark and highly private.

In fact, I’m not even sure why I’m writing this blog, and why I’m letting the entire world know about this. But yet, I feel compelled to do this. Maybe it’s because I want help. Maybe I want the attention. Maybe it’s a million different little things all added up together. I don’t know.

But my name is Michael, and I’m addicted to porn.